2018 STORIES...

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Editor Jim Lockwood

ICQ # 1850917
Current Status -

Monday, April 9, 2018
Story by Sean Uezu

BRISTOL, CT (AP) - Editor's Note: I was too busy to put together any Power Rankings this year. But Bora Bora owner Sean Uezu was able to pull a few strings, and we were able to get the PTI guys to give us their take on the Weaver League in 2018...

Wilbon: Jim is kinda busy this week with his new condo and all.
Kornheiser: So Sean asked his favorite two bald guys to do the Pre-Season Poll for him.
Wilbon: I'm not bald, I shave my head.
Kornheiser: Maybe you are just trying to cover up the inevitable. In any case... here's the poll:

24. Johannesburg Steelmen
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Wilbon: Weren't they repeat champs just a few seasons ago?
Kornheiser: I think that was back when I had a full head of hair.
Wilbon: In any case, the rebuilding has begun in JB.
Kornheiser: But I don't see them climbing to the top anytime soon.

23. Rio de Janeiro Capybaras
Didn't they finish third to last in 2017? Why are they picked lower?
Kornheiser: I don't know. To tell you the truth, Jim didn't pay us too much to do this.
Wilbon: There should be some method to the madness, shouldn't there?
Kornheiser: I keep hearing about this D.C. fellow. Maybe we should ask him...

22. Vancouver Mounties
I had them picked dead last--It seemed they were giving up before the season even started.
Wilbon: So why are they there?
Kornheiser: The trades haven't been consummated yet--so until they finish their wholesale liquidation, I'm sticking them here.

21. Chernobyl Mutants
I like to watch these guys. It's really exciting to watch.
Kornheiser: Yup. They can really hit the ball. Al Simmons is one of the best hitting centerfielders in the game.
Wilbon: Too bad he's not as talented with his glove--because their pitching staff could really use the help.
Kornheiser: If these guys could get some pitchers, they could win 5-4 instead of losing 6-5.

20. Honolulu Volcanos
Talk about big young bats--Honolulu signed one of the biggest.
Kornheiser: King Albert should bring a long of excitement to Hawaii. He will definitely put some fans in the seats. You know Mike--chicks dig the longball.
Wilbon: Too bad pitching and defense wins in October, so Honolulu still won't return to power like the beginning of this century until they get some of that.

19. Moscow Cosmonauts
Moscow is a lot like Chernobyl. They will put a ton of runs on the board.
Kornheiser: But they also give up a ton of runs as well.
Wilbon: They have some young arms like Bobby Barton who hopes to trim down some of the opponent's scoring.
Kornheiser: Maybe next year. But I'm going to give this season the big ???.
Statboy: That's Russian for "zero". I think they are a bit more than zero.
Kornheiser: Hey Junior, Isn't your spot at the end of the show?

18. Argentina Archers
How far can finesse lefty Harry Krause carry this team?
Kornheiser: Well, judging that he's a buck seventy-five soaking wet, not very far.
Wilbon: What about Les Deering?
Kornheiser: I think he could eat Harry Krause.

17. Havana Cigars
These guys need to get in touch with the Volcanoes and Mutants.
Wilbon: Vida Blue and company sure can pitch--it's too bad they don't get any run support.
Kornheiser: Looks like Vern Remlinger went on the Barry Bonds off-season training plan--so MVP Runner Up Alfred Griffin could be getting some offensive help.
Wilbon: Even with a pumped up Remlinger, I still think they need a bit more before they join the elite teams.

16. Cairo Scorpions
Talks about being pumped up! The Scorpions are almost in the top-10.
Wilbon: Think they can go from worst to first?
Kornheiser: Not unless Tokyo is submerged in a real tidal wave.
Wilbon: The signing of Harding will be huge for that young staff. He has a ring and will teach some of those kids what it takes to win.
Kornheiser: Cairo is on the cusp, but in this tough division--they are still another also-ran until Tokyo runs out of steam.

15. Stockholm Swedes
They were a couple of games under .500 last year.
Kornheiser: I think they may get that and more this year.
Wilbon: With super prospects Picone and Brcker being called up and Willis looking for a breakout season, Mr. Swede Ernie Banks could be staring at a winning season this year.

14. Cozumel Mayans
The Mayans have a pretty nice team. They have a solid core of guys.
Kornheiser: Hopefully Tom Seaver won't have to carry the team anymore.
Wilbon: If Gorman Innis grows up and Art Sanders can build on last year's solid season, this team could be a factor.
Kornheiser: What type of factor? Looks like they are still looking up on three, and more likely four teams.

13. Bora Bora Surfriders
Talk about selling the farm.
Wilbon: Can you believe this team won 200+ games the last two seasons.
Kornheiser: After giving up former MVP Joey Monk and young all-star Mark Mercedes, it'll probably take four seasons or so to reach that total again.
Wilbon: With the competition in that division, it'll be at least that long.

12. Tehran Knights
They have a nice, solid team.
Kornheiser: Nice and solid won't win a pennant against big and bad.
Wilbon: They should be competitive.
Kornheiser: Hopefully they can do a bit more than that and quick! It won't be long before D'Amico's arm falls off.

11. Hong Kong Dragons
Speaking of old guys--this team has ton of them.
Kornheiser: I like to say they are experienced.
Wilbon: Not unlike yourself.
Kornheiser: Too bad I can't hit like Wagner or throw a knuckler like Inokuchi though.
Wilbon: Heck, I bet you wish you just had hair like Wagner does.

10. Sicily Godfathers
The Godfathers really brought the muscle last year, adding Buttery, Smith Al-Fulani
Wilbon: They also added got some young guns in Walsh and Riley
Kornheiser: You think they will be making an offer you cannot refuse?
Wilbon: I bet Tokyo refuses it.

9. Amity White Sharks
Ownership added all-world middle infielder Joe Morgan to the team.
Kornheiser: He could be the MVP for the 2018 Polanski Champions
Wilbon: They won't be the champs unless they improve that bullpen.
Kornheiser: What bullpen?
Wilbon: Can't you smell that?
Kornheiser: So that's where the smell is coming from?
Wilbon: Yeah, they stink.

8. Jamaica Rastafarians
Eh mon! These guys might win the pennant, mon.
Wilbon: Put down that doobie and take off that silly wig.
Kornheiser: We're not doing the faces on a stick yet?
Wilbon: The Rastas will definitely be in this three-headed Roehm race.
Kornheiser: No doubt. The talent is definitely there.
Wilbon: Should be a very interesting year in Jamaica.

7. Berlin Brewmasters
Didn't you say pitching wins championships?
Wilbon: I think I said that pitching and defense helps you win in October.
Kornheiser: So you predicting the Brewmasters to win it all? They have a ton of fantastic pitching.
Wilbon: It's just too bad that the Riots have a lot of awesome pitching as well.

6. New York Nukes
You think Jim will be disappointed we put his Nukes at #6? Behind his rival LA?
Kornheiser: Hey--he called us at the last minute. And the pay... Sheesh.
Wilbon: What does that have to do with where we placed him?
Kornheiser: I'd be more than happy to bump him up to #1 <wink> if you know what I mean...

5. Long Beach Lobsters
These guys are my MIT.
Wilbon: What are you talking about? Are these a bunch of nerds who are studying relativity?
Kornheiser: Well if throwing the ball faster and hitting the ball harder is relativity--this it is.
Wilbon: So what do you mean by MIT?
Kornheiser: These guys are going from the bottom 5 or 6 straight to the Penthouse. Most Improved Team.
Wilbon: Are they going to win it all?
Kornheiser: Maybe not everything--but they could be playing deep into October.

4. Edmonton Orcas
From the look of this list, the Roehm could be a tough division.
Kornheiser: With three teams in the top-10, the two-time defending champ could be in for a battle.
Wilbon: They have great pitching and nice bats. You think they are going to win it all.
Kornheiser: Well--we don't have them in the top 3, so probably not.
Wilbon: I do hope they do well for their sake. They could be losing half their infield and a few starters in a season or two.

3. Bombay Elephants
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Wilbon: After being mocked as the Polanski representative, they made a major comeback in last year's Inferno Championship.
Kornheiser: I still rather have seen LA-Tokyo.
Wilbon: Are you kidding me? Bombay is an original franchise. While they are under new ownership, they have done a terrific job of being competitive. They have solid pitching, decent defense and solid bats.
Kornheiser: while they are the class of the Polanski--I think they go back to playing second fiddle to the Lockwood this year.

2. Los Angeles Riots
Your team choked last year.
Kornheiser: My team? My team? I'm a Nukes fan, remember?
Wilbon: That's right Mister East Coast Bias.
Kornheiser: I still thought, like everyone else, that it would be a Riot in the Tidal Wave last year.
Wilbon: You think it'll happen this year?
Kornheiser: Money talks and B.S. walks...
Wilbon: You went to Vegas, didn't you?
Kornheiser: With Triple Crowner Homme and Cy Young winner Dazzy Vance. It's easy money.
Wilbon: If the D.C. drops any more injuries, it could be 2017 all over again...
Kornheiser: Are you telling me Derrick Coleman is Jim's silent assistant or something?

1. Tokyo Tsunamis
Defending Weaverball Champs.
Kornheiser: They don't have to worry about Bora Bora this year, so they should be able to coast to the playoffs.
Wilbon: This is an all-star team from top-to-bottom and one of the greatest starting rotations ever.
Kornheiser: Although losing Harding will hurt them. They aren't as deep as I'm sure they would like.
Wilbon: And they are getting old. Tokyo better try to swipe up as many titles while they can.
Kornheiser: Hopefully for the fans in Japan, this year will be like 2017 and not the choke-job in 2016.
Wilbon: This is the WeaverBall... anything and everything could happen.
Kornheiser: Anything? I can tell you this, JB won't win it this year.
Wilbon: You know what I mean.
Kornheiser: As usual, I WIN AGAIN!

Wilbon: Till next time...
Kornheiser: PTI

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