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Editor Jim Lockwood

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Monday, May 4, 2015
Story by Charles "AKA Marty" Polanski

HONOLULU (AP) - Big news surfaced at Weaver Summit II, on 8/12/03 (4/27/15 in Weaver Time) as Honolulu Volcanos owner Charles Polanski announced the demotion of King Kamehameha from Manager to “Ball King”. The man to fill his royal sandals is none other than… drum roll… Earl Weaver! A man with a career winning percentage of .583 who last worked in 1986 for the Baltimore Orioles. Earl Weaver has become more myth than man over the years but he has come out of hiding from parts unknown to take up a new challenge. (source: http://www.baseball-reference.com/managers/weaveea99.shtml).

A stunned King Kamehameha had this to say, “Who dat Polanski tink he is! All I do is get my team to win year in year out. Not da King’s fault dat Polanski can’t spend extra clam shells on good talent. Da King was stuck with garbage talent like Northrop and Bigbee in my starting lineup.”

The King was also confused about what a “Ball King” was, “What da hell is a Ball King? Da King may not like dis but as you may not know but some Yankees came and took my land from me so I lost my day job. So, I guess I have to take dis until I find something bettah.”


Of course this comment was recorded after the King had laid waste to the Honolulu dugout and clubhouse. He took out his prized collection of Kapa Warrior weapons and proceeded to toss an axe at a painting of Charles Polanski. He also carved out the words “I WILL SPLIT YOU LIKE A COCONUT POLANSKI” into the wooded dugout benches. A photocopy of the King’s bare buttocks was found on Polanski’s desk with the words “KISS DIS” on it.

Polanski only had this prepared statement, faxed to the Weaver Times, to issue after the tirade:

”Mr. Kamehameha has served as a useful tool for the past 18 plus seasons. But that tool like his axe have lost their sharpness. I have found a job that best suits the former light hitting second basemen. The only thing he could do was field when he played in the Hawaiian League. He couldn’t even make the throw to first… now all he has to do is toss the ball to our fans.”

Ball King is a euphemism for Ball Boy. Kamehameha will man the left foul area while Sasha Ogata, “Hawaiian Fitness Godness” will continue to be the Ball Goddess out in the right foul area. (see http://www.sashaogata.com/).

Earl Weaver was reached at the Honolulu airport on 5/4/2015 as he got ready to join the team as they battle Cozumel for two games before flying off to Berlin then Johannesburg. “After winning a World Series, getting tossed out of both games of a double header and creating the greatest computer baseball game of all-time I didn’t know what was left for me to accomplish. Then someone told me about this Weaver League International thing that started a couple years after I retired and went into seclusion to parts unknown. I learned of the immense talent that made Major League Baseball look like the Arizona Rookie League. I had to be with the best. I am now obsessed with getting the Volcanos back the Weaver Cup of Ultimate Power!

“Marty Polanski is a true baseball genius and it is scary to think what two great baseball mentalities can produce between him and me,” Weaver continued. “I know I’ve got plenty of guys that can get me three run homeruns like Rosen, McCoy, Grieve and Neel. Now we just need to scare the crap out of the rest of the pansies in this league."

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