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Editor Jim Lockwood

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Monday, April 4, 2005
NUKES SET FOR RETURN TO GROUND ZERO IN 2005
Story by Jim Lockwood

New York (AP) - In a surprise announcement, New York Nukes management has decided that after only one year in their new state-of-the-art, 100% taxpayer funded stadium, they are moving back to their old stadium, Ground Zero. This has caused quite an uproar in the Big Apple.

The new stadium, Fission Field, was built after repeated threats by Nukes owner Jim Lockwood to move the franchise to New Jersey if the city didn't construct a new ballpark for the team in Manhattan near Madison Square Garden. Facing the prospect of losing the team, the citizens of New York overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure in 2001 to finance the construction of Fission Field. The agreement reached between the city and the team was sweet for the Nukes. Under the terms of the deal, the Nukes were to play at Fission Field rent free, but would operate the stadium, which meant that they would receive all profits made by the stadium but would also be responsible for any loss.

After a year of playing at the stadium, everyone involved in the deal seemed to be happy. But during the offseason, the Nukes used the profits made by playing at Fission Field in 2004 to renovate Ground Zero, which the Nukes still owned and had not yet scheduled for demolition. When the announcement was made that the Nukes were abandoning the $786 Million stadium, the poop really hit the fan! Famous New York civic activist I.P. Freely was quoted in the New York Times as saying, "DAMMIT! Why in the HELL didn't Lockwood just save us the $786 Mil and ask us to renovate the old park in the first place? What an A-Hole!"

When reached for comment, Lockwood responded to his critics by saying, "I don't really give a rats ass what they think! The new park is really nice I guess, but it's sterile. It just doesn't have the character that Ground Zero has. And besides that, we had a helluva time scoring runs there. It's best for the team, the fans, and the city that we move back to Ground Zero. Well, maybe not for the city, but you catch my drift."

As noted above, the Nukes are still responsible for operating Fission Field. Without a tennant for the stadium, the Nukes would potentially be shoveling money into a white elephant for years. But the Nukes have already reached an agreement with the New York Jets of the NFL to have them play at the stadium. Other than a few anal retentive civic activists like the before mentioned Mr. Freely, most citizens don't seem to care. They are more interested in the aquisition of All-Star second baseman Rogers Hornsby and the development of young sluggers Tony Montana and Josh Homme! The view from the seats of Fission Field was OK, but the incredibly loyal New York fans would rather see another Weaver Series come to Ground Zero!

2005 Weaver Times Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved.